I think one of the reasons why I am sure of what I want in my life may be highly influenced by my parents. Of course we can all look back and realize that we have been influenced by our elders in general. Or maybe society, siblings, friendships, teachers, the clergy, television, authors, artists, etc… You get it! Our influences may show in the way we have raised our children, or in the way we interact with others; particularly with the person we chose to be a partner to. But what does it mean to be in a loving relationship forever? Does it even exist? These are questions I have asked myself many times. Clearly I can love my children forever, that for me is a given. I will love my parents forever and my siblings as well. I can even say that no matter what, I can love my sistah’s from anotha’mista foreva too! (you must read this out loud and with some sass to understand how much my sisters mean to me!) J I was never blessed with a blood sister, but God has sent me many great sisters in my friends.
So here is my struggle….My struggle has been to be so head over heels in love with a man that I will “WANT” to be with him forever. That’s my issue and I take full responsibility for that. I have often wondered if there was something off with me. Or that there is nothing like that in the world, and so I chose pretty amazing men that possessed great hearts, but then I felt empty. I maybe failed to hold the relationship at a higher standard of love and connection, or maybe I stopped caring, or if I may be honest…. which I hope you’d appreciate?….I stopped being challenged. A man for me cannot be so easily manipulated that they give in all the time, or so flexible that I can do whatever I want whenever I want. Of course I want a man who will respect my wishes and be my partner in making decisions. Someone who can stand up for himself, but have the best interest of our family at heart and be involved with taking care of himself so I don’t have to. Don’t get me wrong, I love taking care of a man and a family, and it makes me proud to say that. In this day and age of independence it may be looked at as blasphemy, but I like being a nurturer. I don’t feel this makes me less independent and capable in the corporate world. But given the freedom to choose?!? You’d be right if you guessed that I would like to be a stay at home mom and have a clean home and dinner ready for my man when he got home. So, judge me if you must, I welcome it.
Where did I learn this and why do I still have hope for it? My parents! They are the most dysfunctional, crazy, passionate, talented, funny, loving people in my eyes. They are by no means perfect. But I know that they taught me that Forever Love IS Possible! Aside from all the constant bickering and disagreements that they had, my dad has loved my mother since she was 14 years old. My mother has fought to bend that man since she finally gave into their love. She may have won several times, but my father??? Yeah, he has always been the champion. The way they win is by waking up to each other every morning to this day, and seeing their children grown mistakes and all. Forever Love Exists, no doubt about it. To me legal marriage won’t make it happen; it is the deep love and true connection that two people have for each other that makes it possible. I am hopeful, not to settle for a good man, but to wait for the right man. The one who doesn’t just want a partner, but the one who wants a forever love and a family; a passionate man’s man who desires to be a father and a husband regardless of the legalities. So here is my toast to finding the man who will awaken the inner commitment of forever love in me.
Love and Light,