One of things that I am most thankful for during this time of single-hood is the ability to be alone at home. I realize that this was one of the things I craved the most in the past. I felt the need to simply be at home in the silence, but I truly never asked for it. To not have to feel the need to entertain anyone, or feed anyone, or cheer somebody up at home would have been a great release. The responsibility of being someone’s jester or caretaker can become burdensome if there is no balance of silence to the chaos. What I discovered however; was that while this was something I could’ve put in place as part of my practice, I ended up finding it by being busy in activities that only gave me the sense of being alone, but I was never in private. It is very interesting to me that the one thing I mostly needed was to be with myself. Having given myself this time to think and write and cry would’ve given me the energy to stay committed to what I wanted. But its difficult to ask for what you want, when you don’t even know what you want at the time.
While I take a deep look at what I am seeking, I am a bit scared about the beautiful chaos and energy having new babies will bring. I do completely look forward to it because now I feel that I have the wisdom and tools to be a worthy mother and partner. I sometimes wish I had been wiser and better prepared with my first two children. I realize there is a lot of guilt I carry for not having been in the place of my life to have given me this new person as their mother. I can only hope that they will look back and appreciate that at the very least they had a mother who gave them the very best I had at the time. I gave them all my playfulness and inexperience that only lead to being so deeply in love with them that now that they are older I wish I could have them be 2 and 8 all over again.
The thing is that I didn’t discover this until now. I have had the time to reflect, to be in silence, to be me and to cry in private. I am that person (as I know for a fact there are many of us) who will cry in private and be so in touch with our emotions that we hurt and love others deeply and they don’t even know it. But in front of others we are strong, collected, maybe a bit of a clown and definitely crazy. Truth of the matter is that we carry all of it with us, and take it home, and pray for you, and maybe even hug a pillow and cry because we hurt for you. Don’t ever underestimate the love a person has for you based on the emotions they can show you in person. But if you happen to be that person, then show people with actions how much you care for them but also take care of yourself and find a place where you can take care of you alone. Now, don’t try to avoid this because it will only keep collecting and your body will tell you its been enough when it shows up in the form of illnesses or cancer. I speak from experience because I am a cancer survivor. I have no doubt in my mind that the cancer came from me holding back my voice and emotions. This is another blog I promise I will enter. The bottom line is this, crying in general is a fantastic thing, give it to yourself. And if you can’t find it in you to let go in front of others, then save your life and cry in private, but just do it!!
I know this is a deeper less playful entry, but it is also necessary, and I certainly hope it will have you take care of you!
In love and light,