You know, it has been my experience that trusting is one of the most difficult things to practice internally. I am talking about that inner trust that everything, every day, is going to be exactly the way its supposed to be. I know there are certain things we can trust will happen. We can even trust people who have been consistently present in our lives. This is what my spiritual advisor would refer to as a “consistent person,” they are stable in their thoughts and actions; even if they are actions we do not agree with, they are still consistent. Sort of like a lion, we can trust a lion will be a lion tomorrow as he was today. These are the consistent traits I am speaking of here. By the way, my spiritual advisor has been with me for over ten years. During this time I have seen her when I felt the need for peace of mind or reassurance. Over the course of this lifetime, she has consistently given me the support and release venue to free myself of doubt and the empowerment to move forward. She was my very first “life coach.” I believe there are some people who have this special talent, a source within them to see things differently and move people in a loving manner. She was there through some of my most difficult times while I was going through cancer treatments and finally finding out I was not going to die…at least not at that moment, and not from that cancer!
So let’s talk about cancer. Some may view this as the experience which ruined their lives. Some may view this as the experience which gave them LIFE! I can tell you that in my personal experience cancer was a blessing. There is a proverb I heard a long time ago, that says “adversity is the prosperity of the great.” I often looked at that and reminded myself that is where I needed to find meaning, strength, courage, growth, all those things we admire in others who overcome obstacles. Sometimes, I would stop and realize that there was something great that would come out of that problem. It was crazy to believe that something good was actually happening, as I was going through the surgeries, the painful recovery, the losing my voice, and then the isolation of the radiation treatments. Above all I knew this was a “good” thing in my life (however long that would be). This was also when I discovered that our bodies carry illnesses that are dormant until they cannot be dormant anymore and appear as ailments and cancers. I was enlightened by a doctor who saw me about it first. He asked me “what are you not saying?”. Because my cancer was attached to my thyroid, brain, and carotid artery, he suggested that I had been holding back my voice for so long; it was now being affected and showing up as a cancer. He suggested I looked deeper at this and stop holding back. After the second surgery I did not have a voice, literally. I could only whisper and that was painful. My baby boy had his 2nd birthday and I could not even sing happy birthday to him. Prior to the cancer I had also had dreams of being a singer. I competed on some local Mariachi contests and did some comedy shows where we sang and made fun of our jobs. This was truly a fun time in my life. All that was over. I remember taking the trophies out, breaking them and throwing them away in a nearby trash bin. I was angry, sad, resentful, regretful, confused and yet, also hopeful.
This time I needed to look at what was possible, what if I survived the cancer? What would my life be all about? Then again what if I didn’t? My life took on a whole new perspective. This was the wildest ride I had ever taken. I decided that if I was going to live I was going to live happy, even if that meant doing all this while undergoing treatments. I set out to do everything I had been told I wasn’t allowed to do before….I MEAN EVERYTHING!!! Talk about being a wild child. Funny thing happens when you do everything you want to do without any reservations….your soul is happy and your body heals itself!!! Three years later I was cleared. The doctors told me everything was gone. I will have to take medication for the rest of my life, but nothing that would alter who I am at my core. UMMMM, talk about a wake-up call! I truly was like, “OMG!! You mean I’m NOT gonna die?!?! Really??? Oopsie,,,,all those crazy things I did….yikes!” Boy oh boy! It was time to face the music. This was the reconstructive period of my life. This time I figured if I was going to LIVE, then I was going to live and attempt to be a positive rolemodel to my children. Not PERFECT, no Human is perfect….but definitely as positive as I could be. This is when looking back I see clearly how everything was perfect the way it was. Even the wild stage had served a purpose. There is nothing in this world that could change my mind about how even painful situations are perfect. Of course those things don’t feel great and we question why things are happening, but there is always a little voice in my head that reminds me that those things pass and we are stronger for it. So here is to embracing our inner trust. After all, we are whole, perfect, and complete; so beautiful that if you looked deeply into someone else’s eyes and really saw them, you would cry to see so much love before you.
In Love and Light,