I had my follow up appointment with the Fertility Doctor. Let me just say that this Doctor inspires me. She is the epitome of love, nurturing, and sisterhood in that office. I felt welcomed and cared for by all the women staff. They understand that the women and couples who are coming to their clinic are there because they truly want to have a family. In my case however, I was there by myself. Yes, the doctor asked me if I had a partner. Yes, I had to say no. I told her I feel like I needed to find out if I am physically able to do this or if I am not, so that I can figure out what I will need to do in my life. I explained to the doctor that I do have someone I would love to have a family with. But, if I am unable to give him a family, then it would be a good reason to let him out of my heart so he can be with someone who can give him children because he’s never had any. The doctor said this was wise and proactive on my part. The way I see it is this; I LOVE this person, and I only want his happiness. If I am unable to give him a full life, then I don’t want to ruin his chances of being a father, particularly because I feel he would be a spectacular one. I can tell you that when I had my first two children, I knew their dad was going to be a great dad….and FUNNY on top of that! Let me tell you that I was right. To this day, he is the funniest, most sarcastic, caring father I have ever known, and my children are lucky to have him.
Now, the person I see as my partner would be the type of father you could compare to someone like Mufasa. Haha! Yes, yes….I’ve watched all the disney movies and sang all the songs…probably drove all my brothers crazy from singing the little mermaid a million and one times after school. But any who….This man reminds me of the leader of the pack, strong, beautiful, a protector, and a playful purposeful man, just like Mufasa from The Lion King. I remember the first time I ever saw him I thought to myself “that man is the father of my children.” It was an automatic thought. I have never thought that before, nor would I have even imagined being someone’s baby maker without even knowing their name. The crazier part is that until that moment I didn’t know who he was, never had met him before, and knew nothing about him. Yet his energy was an automatic pull for me. I have since met him and all that jazz. AND, I still feel the same way. However, I also know that the love I feel is the most unconditional love I could offer. I’d rather him be happy than for me to be selfish and keep pulling his energy to mine . Of course, I am still that little girl in the back of my imaginary room jumping up and down, raising my hand, saying pick me, pick me, oh please pick me?!?! This is why I needed to know for myself….just in case I should put my hand down?!
After an ultrasound, and blood work completed today, the doctor assured me I am capable of moving forward with IVF. She said I could start as soon as next month to harvest my healthy eggs and freeze them so I could get pregnant. I wanted to cry. I was emotional for two reasons. 1. I AM able to do this!! YES!!! and 2. I was alone in that room. Nooo!! But it wasn’t bad; the coolest part of this whole experience was how the doctor, the lab technician, the ultra sound technician, and all the other ladies were super loving. I also felt love from the other side of my phone, because I was being sent texts of love and support the whole time I was there. Thank God for the sisterhood!! AND the brotherhood too!
The outcome is this: I COULD go forward with harvesting and freezing my eggs for when I am ready to have a baby. Or, I could wait until I physically have a committed partner who will go through this with me every step of the way, and we will have earned our family together. I seriously thought about moving forward on my own just in case. But one thing is clear; I do not want to have a baby just to have a baby, because I already had two and I love them to pieces. I want to have a baby(a family) with this ONE man. In my whole life I have never felt this before, and I have a funny feeling I will never feel it again. So, if I already know this, then why freeze my eggs for myself? There is no sense in it. If this is not the path that is meant for me with this person, then I will move forward and see what else God has for me, but I will not have a baby alone, or with anyone else; I am clear about that! So I will keep this in my back pocket. If this doesn’t happen in the near future then it wasn’t meant for us, and I will go my way. My birthday is in April, so it won’t be too long to find out I suppose. So, thank you for your prayers and here’s to being hopeful!
In Love & Light,