But Did You Die?! 

Because saying it and showing it are two different things-Show Love!

Although change happens, even when we are kicking and screaming, the grief that comes from loss is ever so present. I remember having a conversation with someone close to 20yrs ago, who was so profound when she told me that when she left her abusive ex-husband, it still felt like a death in the family. I have ended relationships that have been painful enough to feel like they have been deaths, especially because of how much we cared for each-other. However, I think that ending something with someone who shared such a special place in your heart is even more painful than physical death, because you know they are very much alive but choices have been made. I can say that maybe that’s what keeps people together in toxic relationships, because the courage it takes to face the loss sometimes may seem greater, than the pain of having them hurt you over and over again. I think either way it feels like torture. Choosing to stay in a living situation that is painful is even worse than ripping off the Band-Aid and calling it quits. At least ripping it open will start the healing process. 

I think that when this loss happened, even though it was completely and utterly validated; I didn’t realize how lucky I would be to have such close loving brothers and sisters. I have spent some time with my brothers and the expression is consistently the same. They feel shame for the way things happened within the brotherhood. Because these men know me and have known me for years, the protector in them wants to come out. I think it’s beautiful how they can apologize for something that had nothing to do with them, but they feel responsible enough to say that there are better men out there. I have no doubt about it actually! I suppose that I have always been surrounded by good men. This is why I trusted so much and gave him too much credit. I also think it is beautiful that some men are still courageous enough to attempt to show me love, especially when I am clearly upfront about being “emotionally unavailable” and unable to look at new possibilities in any other way right now. The funny thing is their courage to step into the fire is kind of admirable and is certainly earning brownie points. Especially since the face is not too bad to look at, or the body building physique he has spent years building for that matter! He may just have the patience to get through the walls yet. We shall see!

 

So all in all it really does take a village ….and even at my age, I recognize I am a child of God and a village of loving peeps surrounds me, still raising me, reminding me no one died…especially not me! It is beautiful how being around loving, crazy, passionate people brightens my life. I love being able to love my son and know I’m raising a good man too . God knows why he removes people from our lives. I can only imagine that my son absolutely deserves to see what courage looks like, and that life is much more important than the comfort of complacency. He also is my motivation to show him that a woman will not stand for mediocre treatment or she will find someone who will give her what she deserves, because SHE herself treats herself with respect and honor. Thank you God/Universe for the love that surrounds us and our home, and above all, thank you for removing the heaviness of the pain that has been. Here is to the love of brotherhood and sisterhood and may our family continue to grow!

 

In Love & Light,

 

Cinthia

 

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