Emotions Manifest through Health

  

After a week of dealing with visits to the Urgent care and then to the Emergency room, I finally had a serious conversation with God. I found myself sitting in an ultra sound room in silence for a while waiting for the technician. While I waited I sat there thinking about what had happened in the past week, and having to be on a regimen of antibiotics and other medication. See to me illness is not simply illness. Since I had thyroid cancer I have been very aware that illness has its originating root on feelings and emotional injuries. When these illnesses manifest, it is meant to bring attention to what is a symptom of a bigger problem.
The doctors found an ovarian cyst. I have never had one in my life and sometimes these things can go unnoticed if there are no symptoms. Sometimes they can be very painful if they rupture and the call to action is much more present. I also know that problems in the reproductive area can be considered emotional hurts related to relationships and worthiness. If you have been reading my blog, then you can correlate the whole journey. If you have not, then I suggest you get on it!! Haha!! There is a clear connection with the past year of having been in the situation I was in and the current physical pain being manifested here.
While speaking with God I also felt the love and support of my Velocity Family, my blood family, and the sisterhood (Velocity is a leadership program for people who are committed to changing their life- My life started changing dramatically since doing this type of work and this is the most current training Im involved with; if you’d like more information I’m happy to share, so here is a link http://spectrumlifedesign-la.com/freedom-course.html if you use my name as a referral you also get a discount! Hurray for little perks). Anyway, I felt that there was a deeper meaning to this pain I was dealing with. I realized that there was some hurt that needed to be healed, and this was more subconsciously rooted than I could see; unless something this painful happened I would not have looked deeper.
The most rewarding part is knowing this allows me to heal at a much deeper level, because no heartbreak is worthy of my health. I may have given my heart away with no reservations and the healing is taking sometime, but this is God saying wake up and see what you are doing to your body. I get it God…I promise I do! I surrender. I know that I am worth the fight, I am worth real, devoted, honest, loyal, love and that starts with me being loving, devoted, honest and loyal to myself first. I made a promise to myself and God to trust whatever His plan is. 
For the time being I am thankful for the support of all those who have been through this with me this whole week. From my mom being at urgent care, ER, Cooking everything for thanksgiving, friends bringing yummy desserts, and homemade mac and cheese, brother and sister in law cooking up some of their great recipes like Flourless Chocolate Cake, and simply every single one person who has spent some time in my house over the past week. I can’t thank you enough!! I am even thankful for the chance destiny meeting I had Saturday night and the opportunity to heal my heartbreak a bit as well. I am not the type to stop loving a person simply because they are out of my life as you can see.
I know there is always more to life than meets the eye. Our deepest prayers are heard…especially the ones we don’t even know about are manifesting before our eyes. There are miracles to be had in every interaction. Babies coming into this world reminded me how amazing life can be, and how precious love can create such a magnificent miracle of life. This is where my head is….focusing on the miracle of life, love, health and trust. Have a great week!
In Love & Light,

Cinthia

The Best of Me

Empowered Women Change the World!

I understand that people may say that people don’t change. But of course we do! We change based on the experiences we bring into our lives. Sometimes we change in a big way, and sometimes in a small way. The difference is whether we made the effort to learn from the situation, or we failed to take the lesson from it. How far are we willing to elevate our thinking is what makes the difference. 

The greatest thing I have learned lately is that sometimes we get stuck and become stubborn about being right. It is hard to admit that when things happened to us, that we ourselves allowed things to happen TO us. There are various levels of responsibility towards people. The biggest opening can be the realization that when I get stuck I do not allow myself be the best person I can be. In turn I don’t let people be the best person they can possibly be also. Instead I short change people the real me. I settle for acting as the person who they expected me to be. The smallness of being emotional, irrational, needy, and dramatic can be comfortable because it is easy. It doesn’t take much to allow ourselves to get carried away with our feelings, in fact most of society, songs and movies advocate for it! What?! No!! Don’t act shocked….drama breeds everywhere we look! But, it is much more valuable to show people who we really are.

 

I realize that I haven’t been who I know I am around certain people. I was being lazy about holding myself to a higher standard. I knew full well that I wasn’t being myself, but part of me wanted to take a break from the person I know I am; in all actuality I must admit it was fun. It was fun to be in the drift of life and let myself be what is sometimes expected of women. I have always known who I am, however. Getting back to myself meant checking back in. Being the logical, rational, self-loving, nurturing woman I am, was what I was withholding from others. I may have given glimpses of who I am as a gift sometimes, but I held back the majority of the time; mainly because I didn’t think the situation was worth giving the best of me. And how sad for me and the other person to not have been given THAT part of me. I short changed myself by not showing up as the real person I am. Of course the only possible outcome was what it ended up being. I wasn’t there. The real me wasn’t there. The “smallness” of me showed up, not the “empowered” woman I know I am.

 

This freedom is the best possible feeling I could find through all this. Being myself again and knowing that the next time I will recognize when I am being lazy about showing up, and instead shift into being the empowered woman I KNOW I AM! So, ladies and MEN…..bring the Best of You to every situation and give the gift of love and clarity from the beginning; I promise, life will be so much more peaceful and free!

 

In Love & Light,

 

Cinthia

 

Empty Apologies and Broken Promises

Accountability To Your Committment Is Justified

Promises and Apologies without Deeds are As Empty as the Words that Deliver them. Yesterday I felt like myself again, going back into the gym after a short break felt rewarding. I haven’t truly felt social as it happens in times of hurt. I almost felt as though being around people would only hurt more than it would heal any pain. During my workout I received information which may have looked like an apology, but in my heart I knew it wasn’t. See the thing is I have learned to recognize the difference between someone attempting to do some damage control, and someone who truly loves you so wholeheartedly that they will DO anything to repair the hurt. 

I think that attempting to apologize without the true intent of healing is only pushing the knife deeper and making the cut that much more painful. It is counterproductive to deliver empty apologies. A true apology consists of three things: 1-Discuss the Hurt on both sides, 2-Allow each party to take responsibility for their actions, 3-Restore trust by DOING something to make up for the pain caused. The thing is that an apology of “I’m sorry” “I’m Truly Sorry” “This was all my fault”….however you want to dress it up….is no different from past apologies, and delivering them will only make both parties lose in this situation. One party will continue to be an enabler, and the other party a strengthened manipulator.

 

I believe that nothing is ever damaged beyond repair when two mentally stable loving people are involved. However, when the pain has been too much to bear and inaction is the consistent behavior of the other person, then the only thing that can repair it is accountability. Holding someone accountable is the same as bringing out into the open the actions that lead to the final straw. The only thing I must say about this is that I am about action. Yes, I will test your intentions by things I say and propose, but I will always allow the truth to show up all on its own. People have a beautiful way of stepping up when they are sincere, and fall apart when their intentions come to light! So, Here is to accountability, responsibility and action….not settling for empty words and broken promises anymore!

 

In Love & Light,

Cinthia

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Woman Scorned

A Woman Scorned

I have often heard this saying, even more so in recent songs. I get the meaning of it. I also realize why it is said. My personal experience has lead me to looking at how I got to where I am. I’m taking personal time to take care of myself instead and write; I write quite a bit, actually. But I can say that I can understand why women can unleash the fury. I think this is because to some people it would be second nature to simply look forward and keep going with life. Sure that’s normal in a perfect world. Then there are some of us who actually had feelings crushed and it takes a little more focus to heal our wounds. There is this internal struggle to know that at times I don’t want to care about what I reveal. I think I should be able to say whatever I want to say, this is my blog after-all. People won’t always agree with what I have to say. I am certain that it has already happened, so what would it be like to have a moment of truth? Isn’t it also said that “The Truth Shall Set You Free”? I should be able to mention names and post pictures of the past year and tag people if I wanted to. What if I did lose it? What if I didn’t hold it together and continue to protect the identity of people for the sake of saving their “reputation”? What if I decided I was tired of feeling like I was used, lied to, manipulated, and on top of that alienated? What if I didn’t have enough class to keep it all together? I don’t know…..I’m simply thinking out loud here. I simply think it is a matter of time. The longer an apology delays, the thinner the wall of resistance will hold. The more I think of the threats that came my way via e-mails and texts before havoc broke lose, the more I realize that it was only a manipulative selfish ploy that failed with me. You see? I had decided it was enough and I didn’t fall for it anymore. I understand now why women can get so angry. Feeling scorned and having a man walk away untouched can make a woman question herself. 
For now, I will continue to focus on healing and forgiveness….forgiveness of myself for letting the manipulative treatment of a man question who I am, because I won’t let it happen again. Instead I’m using this time to process and grow.
In Love & Light,

Cinthia

But Did You Die?! 

Because saying it and showing it are two different things-Show Love!

Although change happens, even when we are kicking and screaming, the grief that comes from loss is ever so present. I remember having a conversation with someone close to 20yrs ago, who was so profound when she told me that when she left her abusive ex-husband, it still felt like a death in the family. I have ended relationships that have been painful enough to feel like they have been deaths, especially because of how much we cared for each-other. However, I think that ending something with someone who shared such a special place in your heart is even more painful than physical death, because you know they are very much alive but choices have been made. I can say that maybe that’s what keeps people together in toxic relationships, because the courage it takes to face the loss sometimes may seem greater, than the pain of having them hurt you over and over again. I think either way it feels like torture. Choosing to stay in a living situation that is painful is even worse than ripping off the Band-Aid and calling it quits. At least ripping it open will start the healing process. 

I think that when this loss happened, even though it was completely and utterly validated; I didn’t realize how lucky I would be to have such close loving brothers and sisters. I have spent some time with my brothers and the expression is consistently the same. They feel shame for the way things happened within the brotherhood. Because these men know me and have known me for years, the protector in them wants to come out. I think it’s beautiful how they can apologize for something that had nothing to do with them, but they feel responsible enough to say that there are better men out there. I have no doubt about it actually! I suppose that I have always been surrounded by good men. This is why I trusted so much and gave him too much credit. I also think it is beautiful that some men are still courageous enough to attempt to show me love, especially when I am clearly upfront about being “emotionally unavailable” and unable to look at new possibilities in any other way right now. The funny thing is their courage to step into the fire is kind of admirable and is certainly earning brownie points. Especially since the face is not too bad to look at, or the body building physique he has spent years building for that matter! He may just have the patience to get through the walls yet. We shall see!

 

So all in all it really does take a village ….and even at my age, I recognize I am a child of God and a village of loving peeps surrounds me, still raising me, reminding me no one died…especially not me! It is beautiful how being around loving, crazy, passionate people brightens my life. I love being able to love my son and know I’m raising a good man too . God knows why he removes people from our lives. I can only imagine that my son absolutely deserves to see what courage looks like, and that life is much more important than the comfort of complacency. He also is my motivation to show him that a woman will not stand for mediocre treatment or she will find someone who will give her what she deserves, because SHE herself treats herself with respect and honor. Thank you God/Universe for the love that surrounds us and our home, and above all, thank you for removing the heaviness of the pain that has been. Here is to the love of brotherhood and sisterhood and may our family continue to grow!

 

In Love & Light,

 

Cinthia

 

Mama Knows Best

The Night My Mom Met the Male 😉

My mom always says “Mas sabe el diablo por Viejo, que por diablo,” meaning: the devil knows more because he’s old, not because he’s the devil. I get it….the older I get, the clearer this is! Because I realize that no matter how much older I become, and the lessons I learned….my mom will always be older than me. So when I tell her what is going on in my life, she always has a wonderful way of advising me. She is quite wise. She is also quite spiritual and faithful, which I am also thankful for. I believe she set a good foundation in me to understand that there is a bigger power than our individuality. Anywho, she doesn’t read my blog. Not because she doesn’t want to, but because she is not very computer savvy. She has occasionally read it based on me bringing up the page when she visits and we discuss it. 

This time she sensed something was shifting in me and asked me what was going on. I simply told her that the male I was “seeing” for over a year was finally out of my life and that it was over ( and I call him a male because I don’t think he deserves to be called a man, and a boy he certainly isn’t due to his age…however behavior wise—well that’s another story! Haha! And not to say he hasn’t grown from this either, I wouldn’t know….I can say that I wish him well and hope he’s happy). Anyway….Her response was quite funny. She said “Mija, eso nunca comenzo!” In other words: “Honey, that never even started!” I laughed because she had met him, and we all got to spend time together; she saw right past his intentions and called it like she saw it. I didn’t believe her then, or should I say, I believed her but didn’t want to acknowledge she was right (the usual rebellious child in me, I guess!). So, after an evening of fun and libations with him, she told me she saw how much I liked him…but the feeling wasn’t mutual. Now that this ordeal is out of my life, I get it…..she knew it, and she also knew I had a lesson to learn on my own. I truly love that about my mom. She has learned that I am a strong woman. I will do what I need to in order to grow, and I can handle the failures and come to her when I need a hug. She also knows I can handle the successes and she will also be there to hug me then too. She knew that I had to go through this heartbreak in order to recognize when a true man will come into my life. She will call it then too, I’m sure…even if I don’t ask for her opinion (she knows deep down inside I will need to hear it!).

 

Mama always knows best. I hope that I have her for a long, long, long time to come and that she will one day see me live the life she wishes for me. Because if there is one thing I know; I know that as parents we want the very best for our kids. It doesn’t matter how old we get, we are still their children and they wish the very best. I hope I can give her that peace of mind one day and she will know that her only daughter will be happy, healthy, and fulfilled no matter my relationship status. So here is to fulfillment and joy in life, and the hope that mom’s wisdom will come in handy in the next adventures of life!

 

In Love & Light,

Cinthia

Leave Room for Meaningful & Fulfilling Only Please

Meditating Garden Simplicity

Well its Wednesday, and this month is clearly moving along. This doesn’t meant that it doesn’t slow down enough to teach us some lessons, though. This morning I woke up to meditate to Deepak Chopra’s 21 day challenge (a total must do). I have meditated before and I had been missing the practice of it for quite some time. I love Deepak Chopra…and if you have not read his book “The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success,” I definitely recommend it. 

For now, doing the meditating clears my mind and sets me on purpose for whatever it is that I “feel” needs my focus. I can say that sometimes I feel chaotic in my mind simply thinking about all the things that need my attention. Oddly enough, sometimes these things do not actually NEED my attention, but because I have set them as priorities in my mind, they become energy suckers. People who tend to be busy may recognize these and can attest to the fact that those are the items that can almost become overwhelming. (It’s like walking around with a quiet stern face on the outside, but inside you’re like screaming and running around with your hands in the air with fists full of hair!!…yup that’s me! I’ve done it both in my mind and physically out in the open! It was definitely a sight to see!). So, what I started to do, is to vent when I need to and then refocus. (This allows my bald spots to regrow the hair until the next possible meltdown!! Just kidding….I haven’t had one of those in a while…thanks to my own coaching time..).

 

 

Today for example, I only took what made sense in my life. I evaluated what was meaningful and fulfilling, and then passed on the things that simply did not “feel” like they would serve my purpose. I can’t explain the sense of peace I feel when I make a list of truly meaningful items, and only choose the ones that make me happy. It is God’s intention to see His children happy, so I don’t understand why we complicate things sometimes. Maybe it’s the hopeful crazy person in me who overcommits at times, or over evaluates a person’s offer to have a part in my life, but bottom line is: How does having this in my life make me happier?!? And if it does not, then there is no room for it in my life. So, a good practice I recommend is this: Make a list of the major desires and responsibilities in your life. Then place them in order of importance. Best practice is then to discuss them with the most objective person in your life….(ehhem, or a super awesome coach…see my coaching options here! Heehee!), and then move towards decluttering your list. Your life will feel so much more free flowing. This process then allows the Universe and God to show you how what you want, and what is meant for you, are pretty darn similar! So here’s to decluttering and removing energy sucks off your list! This could be seemingly responsibilities, objects, projects, or even people.

 

In Love & Light,

 

Cinthia

Woman Vs. Girl

  

Being a woman in the strong bond of sisterhood


 

I love speaking with women who are considerably older than me. My whole life I have always looked at women who were at least 20 years older than me to speak with about life lessons and how they have overcome obstacles. One thing is clear, stories repeat themselves, and the interactions between men and women will always be the same. The truth of the matter is that having healthy boundaries is what makes things work or fail. Practicing these boundaries is of course “practice,” because it becomes a challenge for men to attempt to get through the boundaries we place. It is up to us women to allow those boundaries to remain solid, or to allow them to be broken down. I think it is also clear to some extent, that we allow those boundaries to be broken when love is involved. As a strong woman, boundaries become more solid, and at times they can even become walls. There is truly a fine line. Having self-love means having healthy boundaries. The importance is in being self-aware enough to keep them from becoming steel walls that keep everyone away.

 
So in having this perfect conversation with my friend (who is a very youthful 72 years old sister), we spoke about the difference between being a girl and being a woman. In the past having been a young 30 year old girl, I had a need to be right. I also had the need to set things straight, and get justice for the wrong doings of other people. I had took it upon myself to have someone suffer as much as I had suffered, and felt like they would never understand how much pain they had caused in my life. Boy, I felt sorry for that poor guy who encountered me as a young girl!(No fun at all, let me tell ya!) Now at this age, I have no need to set anything straight, I don’t need justice, or to get even with anyone. First of all, because it isn’t that important. Second, because when someone believes they are right; there is nothing someone can do to change their mind. What is best in this instance is my inner knowing. When I was 30 it took me 4 years to come to terms with a failed relationship. This time around it took me 4 days!!!!! Not only can I love and forgive myself for having made a mistake, but I can also forgive those who were contributors. Yes, even the “good ol’ boys club” trying to save face in front of their wives now, acting as if they didn’t know their friend was in relationship with me. Even them, I forgive them because their loyalty will always be to their “boy.”

 
The thing is that if it were my sisters, I know they would’ve had my back too. I know for a fact that I love my sisters so much that I would support whatever made them happy. My love for someone doesn’t change based on their choices. Choices will be made where I don’t agree with them, but that doesn’t make them a person less worthy of my love. I actually respect the fact that in the sisterhood and brotherhood there are such bonds. Once again, Iron Sharpens Iron, and I’m all for that. So in wishing you and me the best, I certainly hope that your friendships and bonds are so strong that you are welcomed and accepted within your core group, and that regardless of the choices we make; that we are loved, accepted, and supported with what makes our life worth living!

 

In Love and Light,

 

Cinthia

Image over Character vs. Character over Image

 

Character supports your true image, make sure your character is solid

 
It is after midnight and I am just getting home. I had a mellow pre-halloween evening revisiting the 80’s, kind of cool to look back at the past and reminisce on where we were back in the day. Yeawzers!! I actually was still not an English speaker at the time. I actually didn’t learn how to speak English until I was 10yrs old. That will probably be another blog one day….or not….not sure yet, since things pop into my head that tend to make more sense at the time they are happening, and I write about that.
So, in spending time with a close friend we had a conversation about what is more important, because it seems that image has become more important to people than their character. I am in awe of the lengths that people will go to protect their image and sell out on their character. See? I have been there, it makes sense to want to protect yourself and be righteous about not ever making any mistakes or having to apologize. People would rather die than face their mistakes. This makes a person a weak character and they slowly kill themselves if not literally, definitely mentally and spiritually.
However, if given the choice; I would rather choose character and substance over image and status. I would rather apologize and save a friendship or connection to someone, over being right. It simply doesn’t make sense to me to have to live up to everyone else’s standards. My own desires and beliefs are more valuable than anyone’s judgments. I live my life to be true to what I feel is right, not for what my next door neighbor feels I should be doing. They probably make this judgement every weekend when I clean my house and blast my music to pump me up anyway. Again, I am doing what I need to in order to live a fulfilled life. I choose character over image. I must look at myself every day in the mirror and be able to look at my own eyes and say I lived this day being true to my feelings. How many people can say that? Probably many! Most of my friends do, because we can own up to our mistakes and still love and cheer each other on.
Its those other people who would rather maintain their status and image intact; who have the most to hide. Get over yourself peeps, we are human and will make mistakes…stop putting yourself on such a pedestal that you think it matters what you do! Well, whatever.!!…I’d rather be able to live with myself and have peace at home, than “act as if” everything is fine and feel miserable about myself. Ummmm, no thank you, you can keep it. Instead, keep it simple…live within the integrity of your soul and build your character….we are perfectly imperfect and God still loves us. How about we live up to that standard instead?! Here is to self -forgiveness and building our character scrapes and all!
In Love and Light,
Cinthia

I’ve been Bamboozled!

Protecting myself with the light of Love

Ok so I must share this….it’s just too darn good of a lesson not to share! I’ve been bamboozled! 

Yes…careful me has been taken! For once in my life I let myself be vulnerable and fully trusting only to find that my trust was betrayed. I have been in a sort of weird space thinking about it since my Healing Friday entry. Its interesting how things work out, because after having had that conversation with my ex, and his comments about me asking for more clarity in my current situation; I decided I was going to finally step into the fire. It was time to ask once and for all what all this was and basically hold the other person accountable for their end of the openness I’ve given into this “relationship.” Needless to say that it was not the outcome I was expecting, and it will likely take me some time to mend and possibly to even trust men in general. (Sorry men, it only takes one—which I’m sure its like this with women too…sadly we can love so deeply and it will never be an even exchange). My ex was right, and pretty much everyone else who thought the situation seemed shady from the beginning. I’m just happy no one is saying “I told you so!” I’m thankful my friends and family still love me no matter what and that I can love myself through this too.

 

That man I saw as the leader of the pack, courageous, and integrous like “Mufasa” (this is what I believe I had called him in a previous entry, which I’m sure it was because I was still wearing the illusion glasses I built with him), had turned from being this beautiful beast; to finally show up as the person he really is—UGH!!! Its crazy how when the cover has been lifted off our eyes, everything seems to be kind of gray and dull, instead of the rose colored hues we gave them. The truth is out and people are hurt, and for whatever reason the heat always faces the one who blew the whistle; when in reality, everyone has some responsibility in it. On my end I can tell you that I was too trusting and weak, I could’ve addressed this clarity from the beginning and guarded myself. I took pieces of proof and built a good case for love, and rejected the case that was also very much built for deceit.

 

It takes a lot of courage to finally face the truth. It takes a lot of self-worth to finally say enough. It takes a lot of LOVE to know that even when there is pain, the outcome is the very best for everyone involved, even when it looks like something else. I’m glad for this opportunity to honor the sisterhood and be a worthy woman. I love myself and the sisterhood too much to have it be in breakdown because I wasn’t courageous enough in the past. I am and will always hold myself in a position where I am the ONLY woman in any relationship, even when only dating…(yes, from the beginning I’m the only one or simply leave me alone) . It would be ridiculous to expect anything less. So of course; I would expect that if anyone tells me I am the only one and everyone else is simply a “loved one”, that they mean it. I often wonder how there are women and men who can be in full relationships with more than one person. I am too selfish and possessive for that. I don’t tend to be a jealous person….but Hey, the Fiery Latina/Italian in me should scare you enough to know that I’m not having it! And on that note….they should be lucky enough to know they would be the ONLY one too! So? Here’s to the lessons in love and life and honesty….now my book is ready for a new page and maybe this time the fairy tale can be true and with a happy ending! I’d prefer no illusionists in this new fairy tale and no ugly witches to fend off, please and thank you! Haha!

 

PS: I will always build a case for love…I can’t help it…I may simply be more inquisitive with anyone new!

 

In Love & Light,

Cinthia